posted May 11, 2021
by Cherie Hans, VLCE
I have a greater chance of winning a Mega Millions jackpot, or about the same probability as being struck by lightning, than marrying a vegan. I am not settling for being wed to an omnivore.
My optimistic Jewish mother advised me to “just accept the fact that you’ll probably die alone.” (Thanks mom!) However, in the fall of 2012, after a decade as a divorcee, I met Al. He was easy to talk to and had a kind heart.
We discovered common interests such as the Mets, both being owned by cats, and that I taught at his high school alma mater. (Normally this is frowned upon, however, there was no impropriety since I arrived 20 years after he graduated.)
When we met, Al had a pet bird, cat, fish, and snake. He’d previously had a dog too, who’d crossed over the rainbow bridge. My spouse found his cat as a four-week-old kitten in a car engine at work.
Once my husband found a baby squirrel trapped in a drain pipe. He got Rocky out and brought him home. Rocky was bottle-fed and kept in the house until he was strong enough to go to an animal sanctuary to live out the rest of his life.
How does a self-proclaimed animal lover eat meat? The connection is missing. We went to an animal sanctuary together. My husband is 6’2” and cows his height rubbed up against him and were able to move him with little effort. He saw firsthand that they are just like any other domestic pet at home.
My husband, and most humans, have been led to believe that animals were meant to be slaughtered for food. I often get the “what if the egg did not come from a factory farm?” argument from him.
Bantering with the man I love about this topic is as exhausting as a political debate. If I want to live with him, I have to let it go. I have learned to cope by not discussing this topic with virtually everybody else.
While listening to Victoria Moran and her daughter Adair in their September 2012 podcast with Chef AJ, Adair told us that her husband still eats eggs and cheese (this was 9 years ago—I don’t know if it is true today or not). It resonated with me when Adair said, “we can only control ourselves.” I agree one hundred percent!
Upon starting the Main Street Vegan Academy (MSVA) with 20 fellow vegans, plus Victoria Moran, our instructor and mentor, I started to get antsy. I called my best friend of over forty years to vent. My BFF told me that one person cannot fulfill all of our needs—it is impossible.
The fact that opposites attract is debatable; however, my husband and I are both kind, generous, and thoughtful people. My husband’s laid-back demeanor offsets my, at times, fiery New York City roots.
I feel safe and loved every day. My spouse does not criticize me, but rather, builds me up. Al says he loves my energy, enthusiasm, sense of humor, my altruism, that I look out for him, and that I am a great cat mom to our eight rescued cats.
“Why do we belong together?” I asked Al. “It just works,” was his response. I have always heard that a relationship should never feel like a huge endeavor. Our marriage does not cause me anxiety or stress, but, rather a sense of peace and love.
How do I cope? Honestly, some days I don’t. Being in the MSVA had me questioning the dichotomy and hypocrisy. A presenter, and graduate of MSVA, said “we don’t live in a vegan world,” and that gave me solace.
We have separate shelf space in the fridge and cabinets. I do not cook for him since he does not eat what I do. We eat our own food at home and have found the few restaurants that will make me palatable vegan options when dining out.
I confessed to Al on our first date in 2012 that I was a vegan. I believed our idiosyncrasies were comparable.
For our second date, Al surprised me. He searched for a nice restaurant with fabulous vegan options. No man had ever done anything that thoughtful or kind for me. This act spoke volumes that night and every day thereafter.
Cherie Hans is a retired teacher and vegan since 2007. She became a vegan for the animals but found the health benefits an added bonus. After graduating from the Main Street Vegan Academy, Cherie became certified in the Starch Solution program with John McDougall, M.D and is current attending Dr. T. Colin Campbell’s Plant-Based Nutrition program at Cornell University. She grew up in New York City, but now lives in New Jersey with her husband and eight rescued cats.
I get it and it sounds like you have a sweet relationship. I am vegan over 20 years and lived with a non vegan. He was an animal lover but a huge meat eater. He would tease me about eating grass and leaves and was supportive. The relationship didn’t work for a lot of other reasons. But for me now, the stronger I feel about veganism , even though I have been in love with men who are carnivores, living with a rigid meat eater would be endorsing something I am so against. If the partner would even be open to eat vegan a few times a week I would accept that. I am happy you can make it work. I don’t think I could again.
Nice story. Who knows? Maybe Al will eventually convert through witnessing the benefits you reap.
Thank you for the intelligent information about being vegan and veganism. I am a meat-eater married to a vegetarian husband. I am open to the great food options that veganism offers and I am consciously working towards a vegan diet.
And thank you, Peter, for this thoughtful comment. Good wishes to you and your husband.
Cherie, how lovely you are. Thank you for your story.
I can recount briefly my journey w/ hubby: on our first date, I was a vegetarian and he was a meat eater. I ordered some creamy pasta thing, and he ordered a shrimp something–that came also w/ sausage, which turned his stomach. He became vegetarian that night.
Years later when a magnificent friend taught me how to go from vegetarian to vegan, I announced it to hubby (the same person of the first date; we got engaged about a year after our first date and married about a year after that) that I was going vegan. He did not want to join me, and I did not push. It was 4 yrs of me not saying a single word against his way, but filling the fridge w/ excellent plant-based dairy.
He came to me one day and said that when he finished his carton of milk, that would be the last one, and he would then be vegan.
He’s now the most helpful critic when I develop new cheese recipes. It took patience (but not as much patience as the cows had to have for me while I continued to eat cheese before going full vegan).
Awww, none of those ate my story. I begame vegan 7 years after we married. We do not eat the same meals at all. We cook different things. My husband never eats a fruit of veggie. Meat and potatoes all the way and does believe animals are here for us to eat. He also believes rather firmly that his body needs meat to thrive. He is a kind man to domesticated animals and we have a houseful of rescue cats whom he spoils rotten. It stops there tho. Everything else falls into the food chain and he’s ok with that. I was actually pescetarean first and we didn’t have many issues until I decided to become fully vegan in 2017. A lot changes. Very limited places we could go out and eat together. Some of our usual places were out of the picture entirely. I feel it’s been really hard. If something were to happen I think I’d rather be alone than look for someone else who is not vegan. It does cause strife at times and we just try to stay clear of heated discussions. Kinda like politics. 😉